Never Felt this feeling

Less than an hour ago my world came crashing down. I had this Pollyanna vision of my relationship with Steve; we are in love and nothing can stop us. Last week I went down to visit Queens College and to register for the fall classes. I was then informed that if I took summer courses I could finish in a year and could be teaching by next fall. I was hesitate because I had little money and we still didn't have an apt. Steve took me aside and looked at me and said that this is the push we've been waiting for, do it babe. We can live together. I believed him. I did it.

The next few days were wonderful we spent them together and happy. Our goodbye was something that has never really happened before. Steve was really clingy, (but I loved it) he wanted to hold me and not let go. I kept asking, what's wrong? what's wrong? Nothing, nothing. I'm just gonna miss you, and I don't want to do this again. (meaning say goodbye) It was so nice to know that he cares so much for me.

After, we've been sort of scrambling for apartments and maybe I'm hounding him too much, I don't know. But nothing seemed out of the ordinary...until tonight....

I called him because he sent me this cute text and asked me to call him. Nothing new, these texts happen all the time (mind you classes start in less than 2 weeks...) We talk like normal and then there was a pause. Babe he started, and then it's all kind of a blur. Basically he told me that he wants to explore his bi-side and maybe we could take a break.

Take a break?! I'm moving 5 hours away from home to NYC not knowing anything or having any money because you convinced me to leave home early so we could live together and now you tell me you want a break. So many thoughts are racing through my head. I feel like we love and care for each other so much, why ruin it? Why ask if the grass is greener on the other side? Why have you wanted until now to ask me this?

He said we could still live together. I really have to depend on him to get around in the city because I know nothing! He said that's fine.

I love him more than anything. Told him secrets not another soul knows and I know his. I have been with some guys and had that butterfly feeling but never the feelings i get when I'm with him. It sounds cliche but it is true.

He cared enough about us to tell me about his feelings before either of us got hurt. And I respect him for that. But I can't help but love him. I want to be with him; I want him as my partner.
It is so fast but why not stick with this? I mean doesn't everyone get those feelings of what if I went with that guy or that girl...have a day dream then get back to reality? It's ok to have feelings of attraction and let the other partner be aware of them; of course if you decide to act on those urges that's a whole other story.

I wish Steve would just realize that we are happy.

Unless of course he's not. I can't tell anymore. There has been no signs. No fighting or anything. This stuff just happens out of the blue with him, i don't get it.

We told each other once that if one of us were to die, say on a plane ride to see the other, that we'd probably go into a convent or become a monk. And we really meant it. There are no other people that best fit each other like we do. I truly believe he is my other half. He helps me be a better person and I try and help him in anyway possible.

So maybe we do take a break? And he experiments and has experiences to think about, should I just wait until he decides uhh ya I guess you're what I want? That is sort of how it makes me feel. It seems so weird to tell someone you want to spend the rest of your life with them, to, lets take a break so i can find bi-side. What am I suppose to do? I guess I'm just gonna wait it out and hope that he stays with me. I want him to know about that side, but to remember our connection.

Please pray for Steve and I guess me. I know he is the man i'm meant to be with. Please God help us. Please Lord guide us. Amen