Homesick

I am so homesick. I long almost every moment to be home. Crying is my only release.
I moved to Queens with Steve almost 3 weeks ago and it has been a tough transition. I'm used to being with my family, near my grandparents, and being involved in their lives.
I love living with Steve, it is a dream come true. But it sucks to be away from my family.

I am used to being able to drive to them anytime I wanted when I was in college. Now I have to take a train or plane to Rochester.

I think about them all the time.

It begins in the morning. I would usually make coffee and I'd have coffee and watch the news with my Dad. It was my favorite part of the day. Then mom would get up and i'd chit-chat with her. I'd go to work til the afternoon come home and be with them some more. I'd walk over to grandma's every day to see what her and grandpa were up to, and see what the gossip is in the family. Dad or mom would make dinner and we'd do it all over the next day. It was perfect.
Now, I can't do that.

I miss my sister a lot too. We are very close even though we both forget it. We really miss each other. We'd complain about our work or some idiot we encountered that day. It was really nice.

It's also weird to be away from them because of Gramma's passing this spring. I think during school I really couldn't grieve and now being away from my family is bringing up all these emotions in the big-bang. I cry for reasons i'm not sure of sometimes. At first i think it's cause I miss my gramma then it turns into my family. It is wearing me very thin. I don't have the strength to juggle these emotions anymore. I want to feel them, but i don't have the time.

Steve's family is from LI so we go out and visit his parents and grandparents. i think that's the hardest part. They are nice to me, but I miss my own family. I'd give anything to see them.
It's hard to put on a smile when i go visit them because I really just want to cry. I just want them to be my family.

Lost

I feel lost. Disconnected. But not with the people I care about, but with God. I feel discarded. I feel overpowered. And I don't know how I can save myself.

Thinking back to all the times I've tried to reach him through ways, I just cry and am so distraught with emotion I can't reach him. At my Grandmother and Pam's funerals not only was I sad but I could not feel him.

I'm hurting. My boyfriend is in touch with Him; most of my friends have a relationship with Him. So, what's wrong with me?

Why can't I reach you without the emotion?
Why did you make me this way?

All the times I try and go seek you, either speaking about you with Steve or going to groups, I feel your presence but I cannot function. I cry and become to emotional that it almost appears hysterical.

Is this a good thing? To feel the Almighty's presence and be so overwhelmed that crying is the only thing I can do?
I can't pick up your precious books and read them. I don't have the strength to hold back tears. I can't listen to people talk of you. Again, I don't have the strength.

How do I overcome this? Must I push through and feel these emotions to reach you?

Please help me. I want to know you. I want to see you.

Never Felt this feeling

Less than an hour ago my world came crashing down. I had this Pollyanna vision of my relationship with Steve; we are in love and nothing can stop us. Last week I went down to visit Queens College and to register for the fall classes. I was then informed that if I took summer courses I could finish in a year and could be teaching by next fall. I was hesitate because I had little money and we still didn't have an apt. Steve took me aside and looked at me and said that this is the push we've been waiting for, do it babe. We can live together. I believed him. I did it.

The next few days were wonderful we spent them together and happy. Our goodbye was something that has never really happened before. Steve was really clingy, (but I loved it) he wanted to hold me and not let go. I kept asking, what's wrong? what's wrong? Nothing, nothing. I'm just gonna miss you, and I don't want to do this again. (meaning say goodbye) It was so nice to know that he cares so much for me.

After, we've been sort of scrambling for apartments and maybe I'm hounding him too much, I don't know. But nothing seemed out of the ordinary...until tonight....

I called him because he sent me this cute text and asked me to call him. Nothing new, these texts happen all the time (mind you classes start in less than 2 weeks...) We talk like normal and then there was a pause. Babe he started, and then it's all kind of a blur. Basically he told me that he wants to explore his bi-side and maybe we could take a break.

Take a break?! I'm moving 5 hours away from home to NYC not knowing anything or having any money because you convinced me to leave home early so we could live together and now you tell me you want a break. So many thoughts are racing through my head. I feel like we love and care for each other so much, why ruin it? Why ask if the grass is greener on the other side? Why have you wanted until now to ask me this?

He said we could still live together. I really have to depend on him to get around in the city because I know nothing! He said that's fine.

I love him more than anything. Told him secrets not another soul knows and I know his. I have been with some guys and had that butterfly feeling but never the feelings i get when I'm with him. It sounds cliche but it is true.

He cared enough about us to tell me about his feelings before either of us got hurt. And I respect him for that. But I can't help but love him. I want to be with him; I want him as my partner.
It is so fast but why not stick with this? I mean doesn't everyone get those feelings of what if I went with that guy or that girl...have a day dream then get back to reality? It's ok to have feelings of attraction and let the other partner be aware of them; of course if you decide to act on those urges that's a whole other story.

I wish Steve would just realize that we are happy.

Unless of course he's not. I can't tell anymore. There has been no signs. No fighting or anything. This stuff just happens out of the blue with him, i don't get it.

We told each other once that if one of us were to die, say on a plane ride to see the other, that we'd probably go into a convent or become a monk. And we really meant it. There are no other people that best fit each other like we do. I truly believe he is my other half. He helps me be a better person and I try and help him in anyway possible.

So maybe we do take a break? And he experiments and has experiences to think about, should I just wait until he decides uhh ya I guess you're what I want? That is sort of how it makes me feel. It seems so weird to tell someone you want to spend the rest of your life with them, to, lets take a break so i can find bi-side. What am I suppose to do? I guess I'm just gonna wait it out and hope that he stays with me. I want him to know about that side, but to remember our connection.

Please pray for Steve and I guess me. I know he is the man i'm meant to be with. Please God help us. Please Lord guide us. Amen

Breaking down the wall

For all the good things that happened in my life (and there are so many) there is one terrible thing that seems to out weight the good. I've built up a wall so that no one could touch this subject and it worked for almost 2 years. Then I met someone who made it come crashing down but I built it up again.
I went to a spiritual retreat with boyfriend up in the mountains of Vermont, it was gorgeous. I never imagined it would break down the wall that I had put up around the wound in my heart.

I was nervous and scared to go, but I thought it would be a nice change and hopefully I could also fall in love with the practice of meditation and kiirtan. I'm searching for a practice but am always blocked, as you will see, by myself.

We got there late and everyone was outside on the porch singing devotional songs. As soon as we walked out there, I felt this tug on my heart. It was so strong, i've never felt an energy that powerful before and I began to feel insecure, nervous and above all scared that all these people could see right through my smile and look at the wound and wall surrounding my heart. The energy was pure goodness, it was filled with peace and hope.

I began to feel the pressure of tears fill my eyes but I fought them off and just bit my lip during all the devotional songs. However I couldn't sing with them for fear I'd breakdown. They took a break and said that in 10 minutes it would be time for kiirtan and meditation. 10 minutes flew by and I started to hear the chanting of "Baba nam kevalam" love is all there is, and I felt that tug again. The whole situation was so intense. Only this time it was so strong that I had to leave. I had to get the hell out of there now; I needed to go home. Steve had already started kiirtan when I looked at him and said "I can't do this" and he swept me away into the gardens behind the beautiful house.

As soon as we were out of sight I broke down. I didn't even know why I was crying at first. But then all these repressed emotions began to spill out of me and fill Steve's ears. Why couldn't I worship God?

A few years ago I loved to drink my summers away, we'd have parties and it was a great time until one night where my life would change forever. I had gotten really drunk and went into the back bedroom where I fell into a drunken sleep only to be woken up by a person on top of me. I've known this person all my life. He kept saying I was beautiful, that he loved me, that he wanted me, and that no one else knew how to treat me. He kissed me, and began roaming around my body. I laid there asking him to please go away, just please please stop.
He kept going.
I rolled over to get sick on the side of the bed and he'd grad my shoulder and threw me onto my back. Imagines still are not clear but that will always be with me. I can still feel him grab my shoulder.

All of a sudden 2 years later this imagine was rushed into my mind and I cried uncontrollably to Steve who is the only person on this earth to know and he knew immediately.

The rest of the retreat I couldn't step foot near the house or anyone who was there. Those people were so pure and good. The Dada's and Didi's who were there were the nicest people I've ever met. I couldn't have them look at me. I was ashamed, i am ashamed. How can I chant this mantra when I feel so, i can't even describe it. I felt and feel so unworthy of such love from anyone or God and to be worshiping Him with these saints, i just couldn't do it.

I kept to myself the rest of the time there, and probably came off as a cold bitch but that's better then being seen as a 'marked' woman.

That mantra got me. It shook the very foundation of the wall around my heart. I literally hear it sung a few measures and had to leave. It was so powerful, I've never experienced such divine power in my life. It hurt, it still hurts to think about it.

I know God was there offering this mantra of love, he held out his arms waiting for me to embrace Him and for me to finally let go. To forgive. To forget. To move on. But in order for me to do this I had to let go, break down the wall, and cry, to worship Him. To know that He didn't do this but that an action of a man did. He wants me back, He longs for me to welcome Him back with open arms. But I rejected Him.

Instead I cried because it hurts. It's a pain that I've never felt before. It's so intense.

I don't want to hurt anyone because of this incident in my life. I can have really sad slumps and everyone around me doesn't know what to do especially Steve. It got so bad he came back from California to help me. He puts up with it, it's such heavy and evil baggage. I know I ruined his retreat but he wouldn't admit that. We did have intense conversations that I cherish. I love him more than anything. But I can be so hurtful towards him and its not his fault but my own for not trying to get help.

I want help. I want to heal. I want to feel God's presence in my life like everyone else. I want to feel normal, and not have to worry about someone finding out about my deep dark secret. I want to sing with the Dada's and Didi's. I want Baba Nam Kevalam to run through my veins and into anyone else that I come in contact with.

I'm gonna beat you. You can't control me or hurt me anymore. This is the last time you ruin a precious moment in my life. Demon you can't win yet, I won't let you. I got too much to live for.

Mountains out of Mole-hills

Ahh I feel better. It was a rough time but it is over. I am happy, yay! I miss Steve, but I must not hound him while he is away. I gotta trust that everything will be perfect, and I know it will be.
I am so excited for school. I wish it was starting,like, next week! I want to get back into that groove again, I love it.
Kate and I are getting an apartment and we get it the whole year (August through May). I plan on taking winter classes through s local community college. And I was trying to take a summer class also, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. Im just gonna have to see=]
4th of July is tomorrow, it doesn't feel like it though. It just feels another saturday.

Lately I think I have been making mountains out of mole hills; everything is about me. I think perhaps I am making drama. I am not going to do this anymore; it's so stupid! I must want to be noticed or for someone to come save me. Gahh, I am such a girl! I never was like this, however I am getting older and 20-something year old do need to create some sort of lives.

I miss you

Our 6 month anniversary was June 28th. Steve is in Missouri receiving training and fulfilling his dream. He really wants to volunteer and help people, do 'service' as he calls it. I don't know what I would do without him. I love him so much. He is my other half, there is no doubt in my mind and I know he feels the same way.
I miss him so much. We can't talk on the phone or webcam like we have been. I think thats why I am taking it so hard. There are times in the day where I want to drop everything and run to Missouri to him, but I know he wouldn't want that and I can't do that.
I just have to keep my mind pre-occupied with work and find other things to do. I think I will start a blanket for us. A nice, big, green blanket.
In two years, when I'm all done with school, we will be together. Where? I'm not really sure. I know he wants to stay in the city and I want to teach inner city children. We are going to get an apartment, I have so much to look forward to!
I send him e-mails all the time. His official training doesnt begin until July 15th. On that day he is donating his marrow so he will be back in New York in Long Island. I really want desperately to get down there and be with him, he told me it's a 4 hour operation. I want to be there with him so much. I think i'll mention it to him in an e-mail when it gets a little closer.
If I don't get down, I know at least I will be able to talk with him over the phone and webcam, at least for a few days.
I pray for him every night, and ask God to help us through this time of being apart. I know He is providing us with peace. He is teaching me a valuable lesson of 'I can't always get what you want'.

For once I can't think of a title

I am so blessed. This sentence is used to begin many of my entries and I know I will continue to use this line until the day I die.
I am so blessed, yesterday God spoke to me through many people and I finally heard Him and know my life's calling, my life's purpose, and my dream.
I went to a literacy conference that focused on inner-city and their problems and I have always been debating whether or not that's where I should teach. My parents and my whole family, since the day I declared my education major, have scolded me by saying "DON'T TEACH CITY KIDS BRANDY! IT'S DANGEROUS! THEY WILL EAT YOU ALIVE! YOU'LL GET HURT!" And I shamefully believed them. I told myself I'll get my masters and teach back at Dundee and love it!! Until that conference....
Earlier in the day there was a speaker Dr. Compton-Lilly. She was a gradute of SUNY Potsdam and a very excellent orator. She spoke of how we should know more about why Africans speak the way they do; they are NOT using incorrect grammar or demeaning themselves by using it. She told of how the literacy programs were trying to 'correct them' and after she was through I was apauled because I was one of the people who believe this; how could I? Who am I to judge or decide the normalcy of society. And so she got me thinking 'maybe inner-city is the path for me...' and i went to through the rest of my day thinking of what she had said.
Later their was an "Urban Panel" from inner-city Rochester from East High and their teacher was white and from the sub-burb of Fairport. He spoke, i felt directly at me....
"When I decided to be a history teacher I had this wonderful vision of how I would get my masters then go back to Fairport and teach in my home town, and i did this for 4 years. My wife works in the inner-city and I went to help teach a lesson with her and I absolutely knew that I wanted to teach here; this was my calling as an educator."
When he said this it was as if I could hear God in the background saying "Brandy, I brought him to you for a reason. He is the sign and direction that you are looking for". And I almost broke down into tears right then and there and we haven't even begun to panel discussion yet!! I held it together though.
We asked questions of the panel which was composed of about 9 african-americans, 4 white-americans, and 2 mexican-americans. They spoke with such compassion and still could laugh and be kids in each unique situation. One students asked "What can I do as a teacher, or a future educator, to help you?" And there was a silence. and One student named Josh said "Care" another girl joined in "Don't just come and teach for the paycheck, we have to many of those, teach us because you care; because you want us to succeed and get out of here"
I couldn't contain myself, I won't lie I shed a few tears.
I come from a rural town. My class were all lower-middle middle class students and all white. I feel rural and subburbs do not need my help; though they will always have my support. I want to help the inner-city school students. I want to show them that they can be anything they want; a janitor, carprenter, teacher, astronaught, president, anything. I want them to know the american dream is still alive and will continue to remain alive as long as their is blue sky, as long as they have faith.