Mountains out of Mole-hills

Ahh I feel better. It was a rough time but it is over. I am happy, yay! I miss Steve, but I must not hound him while he is away. I gotta trust that everything will be perfect, and I know it will be.
I am so excited for school. I wish it was starting,like, next week! I want to get back into that groove again, I love it.
Kate and I are getting an apartment and we get it the whole year (August through May). I plan on taking winter classes through s local community college. And I was trying to take a summer class also, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. Im just gonna have to see=]
4th of July is tomorrow, it doesn't feel like it though. It just feels another saturday.

Lately I think I have been making mountains out of mole hills; everything is about me. I think perhaps I am making drama. I am not going to do this anymore; it's so stupid! I must want to be noticed or for someone to come save me. Gahh, I am such a girl! I never was like this, however I am getting older and 20-something year old do need to create some sort of lives.

I miss you

Our 6 month anniversary was June 28th. Steve is in Missouri receiving training and fulfilling his dream. He really wants to volunteer and help people, do 'service' as he calls it. I don't know what I would do without him. I love him so much. He is my other half, there is no doubt in my mind and I know he feels the same way.
I miss him so much. We can't talk on the phone or webcam like we have been. I think thats why I am taking it so hard. There are times in the day where I want to drop everything and run to Missouri to him, but I know he wouldn't want that and I can't do that.
I just have to keep my mind pre-occupied with work and find other things to do. I think I will start a blanket for us. A nice, big, green blanket.
In two years, when I'm all done with school, we will be together. Where? I'm not really sure. I know he wants to stay in the city and I want to teach inner city children. We are going to get an apartment, I have so much to look forward to!
I send him e-mails all the time. His official training doesnt begin until July 15th. On that day he is donating his marrow so he will be back in New York in Long Island. I really want desperately to get down there and be with him, he told me it's a 4 hour operation. I want to be there with him so much. I think i'll mention it to him in an e-mail when it gets a little closer.
If I don't get down, I know at least I will be able to talk with him over the phone and webcam, at least for a few days.
I pray for him every night, and ask God to help us through this time of being apart. I know He is providing us with peace. He is teaching me a valuable lesson of 'I can't always get what you want'.

For once I can't think of a title

I am so blessed. This sentence is used to begin many of my entries and I know I will continue to use this line until the day I die.
I am so blessed, yesterday God spoke to me through many people and I finally heard Him and know my life's calling, my life's purpose, and my dream.
I went to a literacy conference that focused on inner-city and their problems and I have always been debating whether or not that's where I should teach. My parents and my whole family, since the day I declared my education major, have scolded me by saying "DON'T TEACH CITY KIDS BRANDY! IT'S DANGEROUS! THEY WILL EAT YOU ALIVE! YOU'LL GET HURT!" And I shamefully believed them. I told myself I'll get my masters and teach back at Dundee and love it!! Until that conference....
Earlier in the day there was a speaker Dr. Compton-Lilly. She was a gradute of SUNY Potsdam and a very excellent orator. She spoke of how we should know more about why Africans speak the way they do; they are NOT using incorrect grammar or demeaning themselves by using it. She told of how the literacy programs were trying to 'correct them' and after she was through I was apauled because I was one of the people who believe this; how could I? Who am I to judge or decide the normalcy of society. And so she got me thinking 'maybe inner-city is the path for me...' and i went to through the rest of my day thinking of what she had said.
Later their was an "Urban Panel" from inner-city Rochester from East High and their teacher was white and from the sub-burb of Fairport. He spoke, i felt directly at me....
"When I decided to be a history teacher I had this wonderful vision of how I would get my masters then go back to Fairport and teach in my home town, and i did this for 4 years. My wife works in the inner-city and I went to help teach a lesson with her and I absolutely knew that I wanted to teach here; this was my calling as an educator."
When he said this it was as if I could hear God in the background saying "Brandy, I brought him to you for a reason. He is the sign and direction that you are looking for". And I almost broke down into tears right then and there and we haven't even begun to panel discussion yet!! I held it together though.
We asked questions of the panel which was composed of about 9 african-americans, 4 white-americans, and 2 mexican-americans. They spoke with such compassion and still could laugh and be kids in each unique situation. One students asked "What can I do as a teacher, or a future educator, to help you?" And there was a silence. and One student named Josh said "Care" another girl joined in "Don't just come and teach for the paycheck, we have to many of those, teach us because you care; because you want us to succeed and get out of here"
I couldn't contain myself, I won't lie I shed a few tears.
I come from a rural town. My class were all lower-middle middle class students and all white. I feel rural and subburbs do not need my help; though they will always have my support. I want to help the inner-city school students. I want to show them that they can be anything they want; a janitor, carprenter, teacher, astronaught, president, anything. I want them to know the american dream is still alive and will continue to remain alive as long as their is blue sky, as long as they have faith.

Sweet dreams of a Vacation

I'm sitting in Muddy Waters Cafe with my friend Steph to my left and an empty chair to my right. I find myself going in and out of daydreams trying not to focus on intense pains in my leg and lower back. I keep asking myself "Brandy where would you rather be than here, at school?" A flurry of vacation visions swarm in my mind but only one truely makes me happy:

I wake up in a huge bed (i'm talking King-size), my sheets and blankets are so soft and smell like cotton and ocean. I take a huge deep breathe and slowly get out of bed. I walk to the window, which has been left opened all night, and breathe in the sweet smell of the ocean and the aroma instantly awakens my body and refreshes my soul and I say to myself "Thank you God for this day." I make tea slip into some shorts and t-shirt and take a mile run. I'm running along the beach leaving footprints in the sand which are eventually washed away by mother nature. I return home, take a shower and hang out all day wrapped in a robe. I take a book out to the beach and by this time I have somehow managed to get into a bathingsuit. I return home to some delicious dinner made by my one and only (who I have failed to mention throughout this vacation dream. However, he is with me the entire time). At the end of the day I go into a candle lit room and pray, I pray for everthing and everyone that I can think of; everyone imaginable. My prayer lasts for at least 30 minutes; I want it to be intense; I want to be in touch with God above and the God in me; I want to become closer with Him through the actions and people that I am around.
Though for me this daydream still lacks something; it lacks stability, it lacks unity, it lacks love, passion of the humanly kind not referring to the stability/ unity/ love etc that God brings into my life. I feel like this day dream is blurry in some places even though I feel deep in my heart that I can actually see his face. Is this fate that i'm seeing or just some silly girls wishful thinking?
I will continue to dream this vacation scene and I know one day I will reach it; i'll be here you wait and see; i'll be relaxing here and perhaps your wishful thinking will get the best of you. But fear not, dear dear wishfult thinker! Your wishful dreams will one day become reality and you will be the one who will set other thinkers wishes ablaze.

Spring Break

My spring break was not what I expected it to be. Before break I had told my Dad that I would help him at his work (he is a self-employed contractor) and I know he really appreciates the help. I figured that he would want my help a day or so and then I could just relax, go for walks, hang with my dogs, go to gramma's, read my books, and get ahead on my work....boy was I wrong.
I got home friday night and Mom brought home yummy pizza and Dad said we'd go to work in the morning. He let me sleep in till like 8:30 and we left by 9 and we were done by 4. I enjoy helping and I try not to complain. We worked the next two days until 4 each day. I asked Dad if I could have Tuesday off to 'relax' and get some school work done, he reluctantly said sure. And I slept in till 8:30, then off to the library at 1. It was a beautiful day!! The best day of the week! And so i decided to walk over to visit my other gramma who lives in Dundee. I was there a few hours and I walked back over to the library and got gas and went home; not getting any work done. The rest of the week consisted of me helping Dad and reading in between.
I did not achieve any of my goals this break: relax, de-stress, or get ahead on homework. And I'm not gonna lie, i am kind of annoyed but at the same time very happy.
Dad does so much for me; he pays for my car, offers me money, calls me when I'm at school. I have a great father. So why can't I give up a week! Brandy how can you be so selfish??
And on top of all that my father is paying me.
Overall I hope I helped my Dad out like he has helped me out all my life.
I think when I get back to school I will get as much work done as possible and then this weekend just relax the whole weekend; sleep in, go to a cafe somewhere and sit with some tea and relax.

Rambling in the Library

I woke up pretty early this morning thinking that I had work to do for my education class in the library, of course i'm wrong...i never read the syllabus haha, maybe i should start. But this does give me an opportunity to just relax and plan my awesome day of being in the library and reading for my 7 o'clock class! woohoo! It really blows, I have been trying to stay on task and for the most part i think i have, but there's always something I forget to do; it must be my old age slowly sneaking up on me.
We had a volleyball game last night and it was freakin awesome! We didn't win but it was a very competitive game. I'd rather lose then just stand there and hope that the other team will magically bump it over. Trying not to sound over confident that i'm some amazing volleyball player (believe me i'm not) but i really enjoy a good game. By the end I was sweating and out of breath, it was great.
I recently found out that I have to take History 220 over again, I revieved a D in the class because I completely bombed the final paper. It kind of sucks; I talked it over with the professor and he was really nice about it, and just wants me to succeed in my history pursuits, which i thank him for. Maybe next time I will get an A, and then Kate Turabian can kiss my ass because i'll be laughing then!

Thank you for everything

I am a very blessed person. Whenever I feel that I am lost and in need of guidance and answers, He always comes through; He always lifts me up, He puts me back on humanity's mantle where i wait and hope not to fall again, but i wait with the faith that if humanity fails me He will be there.
A recent situation has greatly opened my eyes to the wonders of all that He does for us.

I was so stressed last night and I did not want to burden people with my anxieties, but i eventually opened up to someone special; he's my rock here; he's my support system; and wonders happened. I felt very vulnerable; I was crying, probably speaking nonsense, but he was listening to me and consoled me with nurturing words of more than "it's gonna be ok Brandy". He helped me let go of being so shy and allowed me to demonstrate how certain people make me feel. He said something that really stuck to my mind and i'm paraphrasing:
"You know why water is nice? It just flows; it just goes with it. And rocks may try and stop the flow but they always fail; water will always erode away the rocks and the flow will return."
He helped me and let me whine and cry in his arms and i said "I don't know what to do. What does God want me to do?" I searched my mind for the correct terms to justify why they were doing what they were doing and why I was doing what I was doing. Of course, me being a wonderous saint , began to blame myself and felt ashamed of something that deep inside I knew was right. To show affection is part of human nature, why deny your feelings? Why bow down to the narrow socialization of conservative culture? If it makes you uncomfortable let others know your opinion and have faith in them that they will do the right thing; they will listen and respect your space. Had opinions been discussed, this situation i think would have never happened (but i'm glad it did). I thought that situation was all on my mind, but before I could stick my foot in my mouth, more buried feelings began to emerge. I didn't want him to see me like that; i'm suppose to be calm and collective all the time, bubbly and affectionate, but not at this moment. I vented to him of the stresses I felt to conform to something that i wasn't too sure about; the stresses of speaking up but not being fully heard; the stresses of explainations that would not satisfy my questions.

And again he comforted me and said astounding words that can't be repeated in writing without leaving out the awe-inspiring feeling that loomed in my soul.The only word that can identify this feeling is love; I know it sounds cretinous and that he's your boyfriend therefore you two were going to eventually say it but there's more to it than just saying it. Actually it has nothing to do with announcing it to the world, if you do not feel something then it does not mean anything; actions will always speak louder than words and I believe love is an action but it fools those who view it only as something that can be materialized into mere words, something concrete; those who gaze at love from a distance, from a card you give to a friend on their birthday that has love written in the middle among a cute poem, those who buy gifts to show their love, those who buy or write Valentine's day card's that hopefully will bare witness to the love for your sweetheart, repent and not value only what you can feel and see. Have faith in the abstract; let go of all that means nothing, because concrete things eventually erode away and all that you have left are the feelings and memories that you can remember; so in actuality the abstract is the only concrete thing that we have in this world.
We exchanged words of affection and both of us could not believe the feeling that we could finally communicate to each other; yet the feeling is much deeper than the word. Their was an energy around us which made it hard to let go and we did not want too. Eventually we had too.
Even though I was a bit disillusioned he still told me to read the scripture, he told me to keep fighting and I was inspired to keep going.
When I got back to my room I did not read the Bible; i was too hardened and upset that I felt that reading it would only make it worse. I did pray though; I prayed for patience for both of us, I asked for God to extend his hand and grant of love and peace to all of us. I asked for Him to forgive those who gave me trouble, to open their eyes and hearts to understanding. I asked Him to watch over us and keep guiding us down our winding path.
When I woke up this morning I felt refreshed, I felt that He had given me what I prayed for. He gave the people who were hardened a hammer and they broke their old feelings and He delivered themselves to peace and love. So out of such a terrible and stressful situation and I would not want anyone to go through, I am glad that He gave me that trial. So many blessings came from it, and all I can say is thank you.