Homesick

I am so homesick. I long almost every moment to be home. Crying is my only release.
I moved to Queens with Steve almost 3 weeks ago and it has been a tough transition. I'm used to being with my family, near my grandparents, and being involved in their lives.
I love living with Steve, it is a dream come true. But it sucks to be away from my family.

I am used to being able to drive to them anytime I wanted when I was in college. Now I have to take a train or plane to Rochester.

I think about them all the time.

It begins in the morning. I would usually make coffee and I'd have coffee and watch the news with my Dad. It was my favorite part of the day. Then mom would get up and i'd chit-chat with her. I'd go to work til the afternoon come home and be with them some more. I'd walk over to grandma's every day to see what her and grandpa were up to, and see what the gossip is in the family. Dad or mom would make dinner and we'd do it all over the next day. It was perfect.
Now, I can't do that.

I miss my sister a lot too. We are very close even though we both forget it. We really miss each other. We'd complain about our work or some idiot we encountered that day. It was really nice.

It's also weird to be away from them because of Gramma's passing this spring. I think during school I really couldn't grieve and now being away from my family is bringing up all these emotions in the big-bang. I cry for reasons i'm not sure of sometimes. At first i think it's cause I miss my gramma then it turns into my family. It is wearing me very thin. I don't have the strength to juggle these emotions anymore. I want to feel them, but i don't have the time.

Steve's family is from LI so we go out and visit his parents and grandparents. i think that's the hardest part. They are nice to me, but I miss my own family. I'd give anything to see them.
It's hard to put on a smile when i go visit them because I really just want to cry. I just want them to be my family.

Lost

I feel lost. Disconnected. But not with the people I care about, but with God. I feel discarded. I feel overpowered. And I don't know how I can save myself.

Thinking back to all the times I've tried to reach him through ways, I just cry and am so distraught with emotion I can't reach him. At my Grandmother and Pam's funerals not only was I sad but I could not feel him.

I'm hurting. My boyfriend is in touch with Him; most of my friends have a relationship with Him. So, what's wrong with me?

Why can't I reach you without the emotion?
Why did you make me this way?

All the times I try and go seek you, either speaking about you with Steve or going to groups, I feel your presence but I cannot function. I cry and become to emotional that it almost appears hysterical.

Is this a good thing? To feel the Almighty's presence and be so overwhelmed that crying is the only thing I can do?
I can't pick up your precious books and read them. I don't have the strength to hold back tears. I can't listen to people talk of you. Again, I don't have the strength.

How do I overcome this? Must I push through and feel these emotions to reach you?

Please help me. I want to know you. I want to see you.