Breaking down the wall

For all the good things that happened in my life (and there are so many) there is one terrible thing that seems to out weight the good. I've built up a wall so that no one could touch this subject and it worked for almost 2 years. Then I met someone who made it come crashing down but I built it up again.
I went to a spiritual retreat with boyfriend up in the mountains of Vermont, it was gorgeous. I never imagined it would break down the wall that I had put up around the wound in my heart.

I was nervous and scared to go, but I thought it would be a nice change and hopefully I could also fall in love with the practice of meditation and kiirtan. I'm searching for a practice but am always blocked, as you will see, by myself.

We got there late and everyone was outside on the porch singing devotional songs. As soon as we walked out there, I felt this tug on my heart. It was so strong, i've never felt an energy that powerful before and I began to feel insecure, nervous and above all scared that all these people could see right through my smile and look at the wound and wall surrounding my heart. The energy was pure goodness, it was filled with peace and hope.

I began to feel the pressure of tears fill my eyes but I fought them off and just bit my lip during all the devotional songs. However I couldn't sing with them for fear I'd breakdown. They took a break and said that in 10 minutes it would be time for kiirtan and meditation. 10 minutes flew by and I started to hear the chanting of "Baba nam kevalam" love is all there is, and I felt that tug again. The whole situation was so intense. Only this time it was so strong that I had to leave. I had to get the hell out of there now; I needed to go home. Steve had already started kiirtan when I looked at him and said "I can't do this" and he swept me away into the gardens behind the beautiful house.

As soon as we were out of sight I broke down. I didn't even know why I was crying at first. But then all these repressed emotions began to spill out of me and fill Steve's ears. Why couldn't I worship God?

A few years ago I loved to drink my summers away, we'd have parties and it was a great time until one night where my life would change forever. I had gotten really drunk and went into the back bedroom where I fell into a drunken sleep only to be woken up by a person on top of me. I've known this person all my life. He kept saying I was beautiful, that he loved me, that he wanted me, and that no one else knew how to treat me. He kissed me, and began roaming around my body. I laid there asking him to please go away, just please please stop.
He kept going.
I rolled over to get sick on the side of the bed and he'd grad my shoulder and threw me onto my back. Imagines still are not clear but that will always be with me. I can still feel him grab my shoulder.

All of a sudden 2 years later this imagine was rushed into my mind and I cried uncontrollably to Steve who is the only person on this earth to know and he knew immediately.

The rest of the retreat I couldn't step foot near the house or anyone who was there. Those people were so pure and good. The Dada's and Didi's who were there were the nicest people I've ever met. I couldn't have them look at me. I was ashamed, i am ashamed. How can I chant this mantra when I feel so, i can't even describe it. I felt and feel so unworthy of such love from anyone or God and to be worshiping Him with these saints, i just couldn't do it.

I kept to myself the rest of the time there, and probably came off as a cold bitch but that's better then being seen as a 'marked' woman.

That mantra got me. It shook the very foundation of the wall around my heart. I literally hear it sung a few measures and had to leave. It was so powerful, I've never experienced such divine power in my life. It hurt, it still hurts to think about it.

I know God was there offering this mantra of love, he held out his arms waiting for me to embrace Him and for me to finally let go. To forgive. To forget. To move on. But in order for me to do this I had to let go, break down the wall, and cry, to worship Him. To know that He didn't do this but that an action of a man did. He wants me back, He longs for me to welcome Him back with open arms. But I rejected Him.

Instead I cried because it hurts. It's a pain that I've never felt before. It's so intense.

I don't want to hurt anyone because of this incident in my life. I can have really sad slumps and everyone around me doesn't know what to do especially Steve. It got so bad he came back from California to help me. He puts up with it, it's such heavy and evil baggage. I know I ruined his retreat but he wouldn't admit that. We did have intense conversations that I cherish. I love him more than anything. But I can be so hurtful towards him and its not his fault but my own for not trying to get help.

I want help. I want to heal. I want to feel God's presence in my life like everyone else. I want to feel normal, and not have to worry about someone finding out about my deep dark secret. I want to sing with the Dada's and Didi's. I want Baba Nam Kevalam to run through my veins and into anyone else that I come in contact with.

I'm gonna beat you. You can't control me or hurt me anymore. This is the last time you ruin a precious moment in my life. Demon you can't win yet, I won't let you. I got too much to live for.