I woke up pretty early this morning thinking that I had work to do for my education class in the library, of course i'm wrong...i never read the syllabus haha, maybe i should start. But this does give me an opportunity to just relax and plan my awesome day of being in the library and reading for my 7 o'clock class! woohoo! It really blows, I have been trying to stay on task and for the most part i think i have, but there's always something I forget to do; it must be my old age slowly sneaking up on me.
We had a volleyball game last night and it was freakin awesome! We didn't win but it was a very competitive game. I'd rather lose then just stand there and hope that the other team will magically bump it over. Trying not to sound over confident that i'm some amazing volleyball player (believe me i'm not) but i really enjoy a good game. By the end I was sweating and out of breath, it was great.
I recently found out that I have to take History 220 over again, I revieved a D in the class because I completely bombed the final paper. It kind of sucks; I talked it over with the professor and he was really nice about it, and just wants me to succeed in my history pursuits, which i thank him for. Maybe next time I will get an A, and then Kate Turabian can kiss my ass because i'll be laughing then!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Thank you for everything
I am a very blessed person. Whenever I feel that I am lost and in need of guidance and answers, He always comes through; He always lifts me up, He puts me back on humanity's mantle where i wait and hope not to fall again, but i wait with the faith that if humanity fails me He will be there.
A recent situation has greatly opened my eyes to the wonders of all that He does for us.
I was so stressed last night and I did not want to burden people with my anxieties, but i eventually opened up to someone special; he's my rock here; he's my support system; and wonders happened. I felt very vulnerable; I was crying, probably speaking nonsense, but he was listening to me and consoled me with nurturing words of more than "it's gonna be ok Brandy". He helped me let go of being so shy and allowed me to demonstrate how certain people make me feel. He said something that really stuck to my mind and i'm paraphrasing:
"You know why water is nice? It just flows; it just goes with it. And rocks may try and stop the flow but they always fail; water will always erode away the rocks and the flow will return."
He helped me and let me whine and cry in his arms and i said "I don't know what to do. What does God want me to do?" I searched my mind for the correct terms to justify why they were doing what they were doing and why I was doing what I was doing. Of course, me being a wonderous saint, began to blame myself and felt ashamed of something that deep inside I knew was right. To show affection is part of human nature, why deny your feelings? Why bow down to the narrow socialization of conservative culture? If it makes you uncomfortable let others know your opinion and have faith in them that they will do the right thing; they will listen and respect your space. Had opinions been discussed, this situation i think would have never happened (but i'm glad it did). I thought that situation was all on my mind, but before I could stick my foot in my mouth, more buried feelings began to emerge. I didn't want him to see me like that; i'm suppose to be calm and collective all the time, bubbly and affectionate, but not at this moment. I vented to him of the stresses I felt to conform to something that i wasn't too sure about; the stresses of speaking up but not being fully heard; the stresses of explainations that would not satisfy my questions.
And again he comforted me and said astounding words that can't be repeated in writing without leaving out the awe-inspiring feeling that loomed in my soul.The only word that can identify this feeling is love; I know it sounds cretinous and that he's your boyfriend therefore you two were going to eventually say it but there's more to it than just saying it. Actually it has nothing to do with announcing it to the world, if you do not feel something then it does not mean anything; actions will always speak louder than words and I believe love is an action but it fools those who view it only as something that can be materialized into mere words, something concrete; those who gaze at love from a distance, from a card you give to a friend on their birthday that has love written in the middle among a cute poem, those who buy gifts to show their love, those who buy or write Valentine's day card's that hopefully will bare witness to the love for your sweetheart, repent and not value only what you can feel and see. Have faith in the abstract; let go of all that means nothing, because concrete things eventually erode away and all that you have left are the feelings and memories that you can remember; so in actuality the abstract is the only concrete thing that we have in this world.
We exchanged words of affection and both of us could not believe the feeling that we could finally communicate to each other; yet the feeling is much deeper than the word. Their was an energy around us which made it hard to let go and we did not want too. Eventually we had too.
Even though I was a bit disillusioned he still told me to read the scripture, he told me to keep fighting and I was inspired to keep going.
When I got back to my room I did not read the Bible; i was too hardened and upset that I felt that reading it would only make it worse. I did pray though; I prayed for patience for both of us, I asked for God to extend his hand and grant of love and peace to all of us. I asked for Him to forgive those who gave me trouble, to open their eyes and hearts to understanding. I asked Him to watch over us and keep guiding us down our winding path.
When I woke up this morning I felt refreshed, I felt that He had given me what I prayed for. He gave the people who were hardened a hammer and they broke their old feelings and He delivered themselves to peace and love. So out of such a terrible and stressful situation and I would not want anyone to go through, I am glad that He gave me that trial. So many blessings came from it, and all I can say is thank you.
A recent situation has greatly opened my eyes to the wonders of all that He does for us.
I was so stressed last night and I did not want to burden people with my anxieties, but i eventually opened up to someone special; he's my rock here; he's my support system; and wonders happened. I felt very vulnerable; I was crying, probably speaking nonsense, but he was listening to me and consoled me with nurturing words of more than "it's gonna be ok Brandy". He helped me let go of being so shy and allowed me to demonstrate how certain people make me feel. He said something that really stuck to my mind and i'm paraphrasing:
"You know why water is nice? It just flows; it just goes with it. And rocks may try and stop the flow but they always fail; water will always erode away the rocks and the flow will return."
He helped me and let me whine and cry in his arms and i said "I don't know what to do. What does God want me to do?" I searched my mind for the correct terms to justify why they were doing what they were doing and why I was doing what I was doing. Of course, me being a wonderous saint
And again he comforted me and said astounding words that can't be repeated in writing without leaving out the awe-inspiring feeling that loomed in my soul.The only word that can identify this feeling is love; I know it sounds cretinous and that he's your boyfriend therefore you two were going to eventually say it but there's more to it than just saying it. Actually it has nothing to do with announcing it to the world, if you do not feel something then it does not mean anything; actions will always speak louder than words and I believe love is an action but it fools those who view it only as something that can be materialized into mere words, something concrete; those who gaze at love from a distance, from a card you give to a friend on their birthday that has love written in the middle among a cute poem, those who buy gifts to show their love, those who buy or write Valentine's day card's that hopefully will bare witness to the love for your sweetheart, repent and not value only what you can feel and see. Have faith in the abstract; let go of all that means nothing, because concrete things eventually erode away and all that you have left are the feelings and memories that you can remember; so in actuality the abstract is the only concrete thing that we have in this world.
We exchanged words of affection and both of us could not believe the feeling that we could finally communicate to each other; yet the feeling is much deeper than the word. Their was an energy around us which made it hard to let go and we did not want too. Eventually we had too.
Even though I was a bit disillusioned he still told me to read the scripture, he told me to keep fighting and I was inspired to keep going.
When I got back to my room I did not read the Bible; i was too hardened and upset that I felt that reading it would only make it worse. I did pray though; I prayed for patience for both of us, I asked for God to extend his hand and grant of love and peace to all of us. I asked for Him to forgive those who gave me trouble, to open their eyes and hearts to understanding. I asked Him to watch over us and keep guiding us down our winding path.
When I woke up this morning I felt refreshed, I felt that He had given me what I prayed for. He gave the people who were hardened a hammer and they broke their old feelings and He delivered themselves to peace and love. So out of such a terrible and stressful situation and I would not want anyone to go through, I am glad that He gave me that trial. So many blessings came from it, and all I can say is thank you.
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